Pineapples of Mars: An Artist's Tail #8

Now that N’s left, I can focus on beating this Gym.

This is an unusually large reception staff. Do they double as security guards?

So fascinated that you have to say “Wow!” everytime. There’s gotta be some point where it just stops being awesome.

Hi. I’m Leo. Where’s the Gym?

Ugh… Tour guides.

It is. It’s a Dragonite. Raph, draw the guy a Dragonite.

See? I once watched Lance use one on the TV.

What kind of accident could cause this? It accidentally aged forty thousand years?

“Some kind of energy”? Are you actually a scientist? Did you go to college with a person named Fennel?

This must be the exhibit you are the most proud of.

I don’t know, there might be some narrative pay-off down the line. You should call this exhibit Chekov’s Pebble. That’d make it valuable, wouldn’t it?

I guess that’s true.

About time.

Ah. That would explain how you’re the assistant director and don’t seem to know anything. I'm gonna take a brief look at some of the other exhibits.

Nah, doesn’t look like Unown Script. It’s something else altogether.

Except there’s no rare Pokemon here. There’s a couple of rocks scattered around. The closest thing is that Dragonite fossil.

What if I brought you a Dragonite fossil? What could you do with it?

I’m a fan of that idea. Just point me at her.

Ooh, juicy secrets…

Oh. A thousand people have already told me that. I brought one with me specifically for that purpose.

Use Jack Black to punch things. It sounds simple.

Wait, are we in a library now? A Gym Leader waiting at the back of a library is a tremendously less awesome idea.

Can I ask you? Do you know where the book is?

Bookmantis sounds better. You should try to get people to call you that.

What? There’s no school in Nacrene City.

I see a flaw in my brilliant strategy. Jack Black only knows Seismic Toss and Bide. While useful in their own way, neither is useful now.

Oh oh. This will hurt.

Holy shit. Jack, we’re still in this.

Hang in there, buddy!

You can take this rat.

We did it, Jack! We beat the odds!

Seriously, dude. Bookmantis.

That’s one hell of an insult. Just because I’m young, you think I can only read children’s books? Oh wait, you mean for the Gym thing.

Want? No. Will? I guess so.

That’s great. Where’s the question I was promised?

She actually wrote the exclamation marks… It’s like the written form of that scene from the Wizard of Oz. “Pay no attention to the author’s bio page!”

Yes. First question down, where’s the next one?

What? Was that question zero?

Well, the first thing I saw in the museum was a Dragonite… But that kid had a Patrat. It’s one of those.

We have a winner! But I can’t help but feel like I lost somehow...

What happens when that kid’s not here? Is the Gym closed? Do you have to find someone to fill in for him?

“The Biology of Patrat”! Hah! Thought you could trick me with that question? Wait, where’s the next one? It’s not here? Dammit!

“If so, put your name on the waiting list and we'll call you when they return it.”

Any ideas?

Yes. A train sounds right.

Thanks.

You know, we don’t have to.

Oh hey, you wasted your turn.

This might work better here than with Patrat.

It was close but Bide cinched it.

Yeah, I am pretty awesome.

Who’d a thunk it?

Thanks, memo!

That’s the third time Patrat has been the correct answer. But I didn’t find anything else in that book.

I guess Poffins fit the riddle…

No, sadly.

That’s not even a question… Fine, I’ll find it anyway.

Dammit.

What’s a Snivy?

So it's not passive? It has to go out of its way to do it? Is that how plants work?

Yeah, you better shut up. Stupid book.

Eventually.

No! That memo already gave me the last question. It just wasn’t a question…

Why is this necessary?

Funny thing about Jack Black here, he just did some extra training and now he knows something new.

Fighting’s way easier when you know an attack.

Cheren’s pig? This could be useful…

So if I get his pig sick, Raph’ll win easily!

Is this the switch that summons the Gym Leader?

That’s one hell of a fire hazard. I think this might be enough to get this Gym closed down.

Thanks. What’s that smell? Do you have a bathroom down here? Or air holes?

That fossil in your lobby? It’s a Dragonite. I reckon that professional appraisal is worth $10,000. I'll take it in cash.

A Normal type Gym. They shouldn’t be able to do much to a Rock type.

The Pebble looked into its eyes and knew only fear.

Pfft. Like that changes anything.

Uh… That didn’t do much.

The kind that uses attacks instead of Leer.

Still doesn't change anything.

Steady progress.

Ha! Kill it, Pebble!

No! You had it there!

Okay, let’s start from scratch.

Well at least it wasn’t effective…

It’s very badly hurt. We could win this if you get three or four hits in.

Sonofabitch.

We were so close! Twice!

One hit! I’m not taking any chances on this.

An easy win for Thorse. Okay, lady, we’ve both lost one Pokemon but since I’ve got five left, I think it’s safe to say I win.

Pfft. What strategy could hope to get you out of this?

Hypnosis? There goes all my momentum.

Number of hits to Watchog: 0.

Six levels difference. Even though she was awesome in her last fight, I don’t think Soundwave can do much better than stall here.

Ha! You’re going to get very weak before Soundwave’s finished with you.

Or not. I guess I shouldn’t have gloated, hey?

Oh, wow! Good girl!

God dammit.

Oh, you know Crunch as well?

Number of hits on Watchog: 0.

Look at it, Raph, look at those evil eyes.

Those evil, judging eyes.

First hit! What’d it do?

Not much.

That Watchog is brutal. Soundwave had halved the thing’s Attack and it still nearly KO'd Raphael. That’s four levels and a Leer for you.

The first decent hit on the thing.

Well then. Number of hits on Watchog: 2.

When Tennant gets an attack off, it's gonna hurt it bad.

How did I forget about that?!

Number of hits on Watchog: 2. Seems like we’re both down to our last Pokemon. Thankfully, this one’s an ace up my sleeve.

Oh, son of a bitch.

Heh heh. Stupid Watchog.

Oh. Screw you, Watchog.

Again?

Hell yes! Hit it hard!

Boo yah!

Number of hits on Watchog: 3.

My talent lies in waiting until my bad luck runs out.

Woot! I passed Pokemon Basic!

You know, I’ve always liked museums.

Hmm... Where have I seen this move?

So you’re saying it would have been awesome if I had it for our fight?

What is this? A revelation about the Dragonite skeleton?

Why would they do something like that?

Why do I need to be involved in this? I’m worried I’m going to become an enemy of the future President.

They aren’t children, lady.

He wants a skull? If he’s trying to bring it back to life, he should just chat with the women at the front desks.

*Cough* *cough* *groan* *cough* *muttered curses*

Holy shit, they’re gone! Hawes, why aren’t you acting surprised?

Have fun, Hawes. Oh, when you say “we”, you don’t mean your wife and yourself, you mean your wife and me.

They update plaques fast here.

Checking the streets for trouble? How ‘bout that beatnik?

Oh no. Tell me this isn’t who I think it is.

Castelia’s Gym Leader, I know. He’s the one Gym Leader I didn’t want to battle some day. I just know that if I end up alone with him in a room, I’ll murder his hipster ass.